You told me to leave you alone. And I did, as much as it hurt.

‎Tuesday, ‎January ‎21, ‎2014
08:58:53 AM
The following is just what I am thinking of one of my grandson’s friends. At this time he is for once in his entire life in jail for defending not just  me, but also his uncle as well as his old lady. But, he is/was married as well as both still continue on. Then I said hey I use to be in the run down mind of that sort and sometimes drift off again, until I think how bad that first marriage or second or all were worst than anything I’ll ever been in.
Yup, even Nam. But, who do you think of besides me of course that the following fits to a tee? Only those close know of who I am speaking. But, truth is what I am and I wonder why no one ever listens any more and ends up, well ruining more days and hours of their life. Oh don’t get me wrong as I think of a lot of things in my past daily.
But, as well do my best to warn all those that are so close to be careful as things don’t look so good from what I see. Do they listen? Never until there thinking about it, normally when it’s too late. Why is it, that you try to tell people and they just don’t get it, until it’s just to late? Then they said after wards oh now I see what you mean.
I don’t want to pry in your lives, but I do see much more than many of those so called love affairs think. Enough now on with what I am thinking about one day long ago, and now happening with who?
 It still hurts… (Loser land)
Yeah. I had to pay you for sex.


Then you told me to never contact you again because you were working on a relationship. So I respected that. But it was hard. And it really hurt that you were so blunt and uncaring about it. You knew that I hated paying you for it and I really cared about you. And I wished you good luck with your relationship all the same and respected your wishes. It hurt. A lot. Such a curt and uncaring note after all the money and time. And after letting you know how I felt. But I was cool. And I moved on.

Then you emailed me. “Single again”. So I set up a time. You agreed. Then you backed out. Then you got quite.

I’m a loser. I’m letting you fuck with me. It means so much more to me than you can ever imagine. I love you. I hate that I have to pay you for it. But I swallowed hard and let it go. I love you. It was so painful for me. But I respected your wishes because I just wanted you to be happy. I really did. I love you. I… just… love you.
But you emailed me with “I’m single”. Three weeks later, I’m still waiting. I deserve better than that. It’s like you’re hurting me on purpose. I’m begging you to LET me PAY you. And I will. Because I love you. And you know it. It’s not like I’m some Ogre. I’ve been working out. I’m down almost 15 lbs. since I saw you. And I love you. I’d do anything.

And you couldn’t care less.

I know how pathetic I sound. And it’s because that’s how fucking pathetic I am. You are a whore and I’m a loser. If only I could trip over an ounce of self respect. How much I’d love to tell you to fuck off. How much I’d love to tell you to go fuck yourself.

But I can’t. Christ I hate myself. I really do. I’m a pathetic loser. What the hell is wrong with me? But really, what the hell is wrong with you? How could you play with someone’s emotions like that?! I know you don’t care about me. But you KNOW I care about you. YOU KNOW! I said so many times! You know what you’re doing to me and you don’t care. How evil are you? What did I do to deserve this?

And if you text me tomorrow… you know I’ll still do whatever you say.

I hate myself. When I read what I said…

Good bye. I can’t take any more. Begging to pay for it. Wow. There’s just a point you have to admit you lost at life. I tried. I thought… maybe… but it didn’t work out. I told myself it was a last chance. And it was. And it didn’t work out. And there’s really no point now.

And for you stupid fucks who think you’re sympathetic, you’re not. I’m married. To a woman who never fucks me. So yeah. I’m a “cheater”. Or I wish I was. But I can’t be. Because I can’t even pay for it. So go ahead everyone on Earth. Make fun of me or chastise me. Because I agree. I’m pathetic. And I can’t do any better. And I think I’m done. I can’t stand feeling like this any more. So judge all you want. I don’t fucking care.

I tried it the traditional way. I tried it other ways. I tried. But no one can keep going with no one to love them. I have great insurance. The fool who married me and my kids will be well cared for. I’m just tired. I’m so tired I can’t sleep anymore. My stomach always aches from heartburn and I don’t know what. I’m always miserable when everyone around me is happy.

It was over. You told me to leave you alone. And I did, as much as it hurt. YOU contacted ME. But nothing. Like, any opportunity that came along was better than me PAYING you for it. Christ, what could be more pathetic?!

Okay. So.

So long. Can’t be any worse.


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