June 29, 2013-Oldman just can’t handle 2AM bullshit!

June 29, 2013–Oldman moody today!
Where dumb go to breed;
  Why am I in this mood today? Keeping it in, doing the best that I can to ignore stupid ass, dumb uneducated, freaky sick minded people…is hard to do when there not thinking as to what they do.
  Many close to me have heard stories as well as follow my rage and stupid people that think only how to get something for nothing and party and  still continue on as brain dead as they really are.
  I am so lucky that the Lewis family were never brought up as so many of the friends or idiots that come into our lives. Even with the help of explaining and proof that certain things just won’t happen unless you work makes no headway to these dumbed down idiots.
  When I was searching out Snap, SSI, and FREE HOUSING, Anything what so ever free these so called people seek it out. Then go on a buying trip as if they already received it and have not.
  I had to seek out some laughs this morning at 2AM as I just don’t sem to get though to anyone now days. Work is what makes you a man. But, why be a man or a woman for that matter if I can get this much money. Hell, why not get my girlfriend and friends as well to get this SSI free money as well as SNAP and even then that is more money each month than working at a thirty hour week job!
  Yes, here I am planning to get a door repaired at $75.00 as well as a mower repaired at $150.00, hopefully less if I locate the right person. I am planning to paid my property taxes, home and car insurance as well as phone, cable, gas electric and all the other bills that never end monthly. But, because I own property and worked and have more than $2000.00 in property, no help is offered. But, I can sit and see two people get $740.00 each a month plus $200.00 in SNAP (food stamps is snap) for a total of $940.00 each or $1880.00 monthly. My retirement is $1200.00 monthly. Somthing wrong here? Hell medication to stay a live runs over $150.00 monthly for me. They even get free medical on top of that.
  Then I discover that someone uses my bill statement as them paying gas or electric to receive even more money and they pay if anything maybe a couple hundred or nothing at all for months. But, then I watch and here comes housing for a couple at $50.00 a month and guess what all the costs of the apartment even paid for like the electric, gas and trash and water. What a deal that is happening to all these younger people and I would not know it, if I have no watched and seen how they go about it.
  Then it’s always party time, meaning pot, beer liquor and trade snap for cash into poker games and two for one food to us poor old timers or trade as a lot now even for fire works. Ah America wonders why she is so broke and now the border is wide open as the gang of eight legalised all people living in this country Mexicans allowed to become citizens. Many will continue as they now do and work and still use different names to get more family here and send money home and get free snap ssi housing schooling medical free themselves. Yes, there is something strange going on in America.
  But, at lease I did get to watch some idiots stay at emergency room thinking a miscarriage and was nothing more than a poop drop. I can see why they stayed at the emergency room over six hours and if was me, they would still be there sitting there wondeing why there not being taken into be seen by a doctor. But, undestand that they were so damn stupid idiots that the word was spreading that it was a real emergency and not even being seen. Poor doctor said ok, Enough is enough if they can’t see it was a damn poop then I will let the damn idiots know . A doctors life is not always this funny of course, but when dumb stupid ass’s just don’t get the message to go home, there is nothing wrong with you then they have no choice but to cost the tax payers thousands to tell these dumb ass stupid jerks it was nothing more than a poop. Go home and you should feel better soon.
  Now, can see why the following was needed to cheer me up, and those that know who I am referring to enjoy as I promise you that emergency room waited over six hours for these dummies to leave and lern. But, some numskulls just don’t get the message. Now, you can see why this country is in real trouble with idiots like these bringing in lives that they can’t even afford let alone planned for.
  Like I said stay tuned for July 1st, 2013, as this is only the happenings that you know of and there is much more I have not said because I am waiting to see if my wish comes true or not on the 1t of July. what is that? Just have to wait and see! My own family already knows, well most of them do, then hanging out with these dumb ass’s so long they may not know. Stay tuned for the real funny part on July 1, 2013
email me at oldman1946@cox.net or lewis1946@cox.net

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there’s no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don’t runie them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you’re done poopie-ing and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Turtle Poopie
The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you’re afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.
Gas-sy Poopie
The kind where it’s so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!
Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie
(Self explanatory)
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie
That’s the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.
Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie
The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn’t smell.
The Suprise Poopie
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS—a Poopie!
The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Walk of Shame
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
Out of the Closet Pooper
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
The Pooping Friends Network
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Safe Havens
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burglar
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Havana Omlet
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
Uncle Ted
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly By
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It’s rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper’s tolerance and is the result of too many beers – doesn’t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised…..
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle’s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like “a Japanese Flag.”
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief – you’ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask “where are the curtains?” Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every “empty roll dumper” must face…..pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet – and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming “Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!” There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you’ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16….damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You’ve finished but there’s one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors…….
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn’t enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you’ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores…..
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don’t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
What do women have in common with bowling balls?
No matter how many times you pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, they always come back for more.
What’s the difference between a woman and a pay phone?
You need a quarter to use a pay phone.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A quick learner.
Of the thousands of women who suffer from domestic abuse each year, what do they all have in common?
They didn’t know when to shut the fuck up.
These jokes do not reflect my views and opinions of all women. Just a vast majority. Of course I don’t believe that women should be owned, abused, or otherwise treated as inferior to men. However we mustn’t overlook the obvious truth that there is a time and a place for women to speak, and that, incidentally, is never in my presence. If you find any of my writing offensive on any level, then my only explanation is that it must apply to you, as a “strong” and “independent” woman without any insecurities (such as “penis envy” or “suppressed lesbian curiosity”) would have no reason to become defensive regarding these childish quips. Also, anyone with a shred of common sense would immediately grasp that most if not all of what I write is too absurd to be taken seriously. With all that said, if you don’t like what I write, don’t fucking read it. Go watch Lifetime. Or Doctor Phil. Otherwise, have a nice day. And by have a nice day I mean go fuck yourself.


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